Grief is difficult to explain. It’s an emotion, most often resulting from some type of loss. Sadness may be grief's relative, but true grieving reaches deeper and is multi-faceted. I certainly had never grieved, to this degree, after losing my husband to brain cancer. Loss may be an unfortunate part of life. However, there is a way forward. Resilience and adaptation brings relief from grief.
First, let’s talk about where grief and all emotions are rooted: THE MIND. Yes, that wonderfully wild mind of ours houses our emotions, preferences and impulses. Know that a mind without proper guidance is like an untrained puppy - all over the place and difficult to control. An unattended pup would ruin your home, eat everything in sight and most likely hurt itself as well. Likewise, when your mind is unattended, it may act similarly. It may eat everything in sight, destroy your home, life, relationships, business and yourself.
Thankfully we have an intellect to oversee our mind and manage our emotions! Our intellect is the faculty residing in every human that is able to reason, judge and decide. It guides our body and our mind. It can even contemplate beyond the mundane world to the transcendental.
This does not imply that emotions are erased so that we don’t feel. Understand that the highest ancient philosophy known to mankind reveals that we may have emotions. It is important not to be overcome by them. This means we keep on keeping on. We move toward our best selves. The pinnacle of our existence, what the yoga masters refer to, is Enlightenment. When we become consumed by any singular emotion, we become prey to that emotion, thus impeding our growth and evolution.
This all sounds dandy except that our intellect will not function effectively without development. Since everyone, including ourselves, has been catering to the mind, it has become stronger than the intellect. This means that our emotions, preferences and impulses are running our life and decisions. Uh Oh! This is in lieu of a sound and clear head. So, we RUN into all sorts of problems, we get stuck in our emotions, and are held back. This is not a way to live nor a way to move on. Emotional grief has the potential to stop you dead in your tracks and keep you there…
Building intellect is not so hard to do in theory. Why is it easy in this world not to? Because we follow a herd mentality more and think for ourselves less. This may be why we have so many problems. Have you ever sought counsel, therapy or asked anyone for advice or guidance? We all have at some point. Well, think of that job as the role of the intellect. If you build your intellect strong enough, it will be your counsel and guidance through life's obstacles, conflicts, difficulties and losses. My guru, Swami Parthasarathy, teaches all students that you must do two things to develop your intellect:
Do not accept anything for granted
Question everything
This basically states, THINK things through and don’t follow what everyone else is doing! There’s a bit more, as well, but you can apply these two principles any time no matter where you are.
If you truly want to grow yourself, know yourself and be able to evolve spiritually, you need to take up study on higher values. This empowers your intellect. Reflect on universal truths of life. These are time tested laws. If you want to study the Bible, Koran, yoga scriptures or any other religion or philosophy, that is up to you. Make sure you have a teacher, guru, or interpreter that you TRUST so that you don’t misinterpret the teachings. When we study eternal values as our first daily action, our mind is focused and restrained from getting caught up in day to day external affairs.
A strong, available intellect allows you to have emotions, including grief, and also permits focus on other daily actions. My husband died and I have wept and will continue to shed many more tears, but they do yield. And, I can live my life by slowly returning to daily actions, obligations, roles and work. Relief from grief comes from a greater understanding of life and having a strong intellect that keeps emotions in check.
Resilience is the capacity by which we can overcome difficulties. You can’t be resilient without a strong intellect. Without engaging the intellect, the mind overpowers the ability to be resilient. You feel lost and alone, clinging to the past. You may feel hopeless towards the future, and question how life continues without what you have lost. An alert and available intellect helps us feel our emotions while still moving forward. You find the ability to act to reemerge into everyday life. Inner strength shines through. The strong bonds of affection are cherished but we also evolve and grow. Resilience helps heal wounds while we continue living.
Humans possess the power to adapt and readapt. As an exercise, evaluate how you worked through other losses. Was it life altering? If we utilize our capability to adapt in smaller moments we will be able to adapt during the big events, such as living without a loved one. Adaptation allows us to continually adjust to live under present conditions, even when someone dies. Major occurrences require greater adaptation. Small steps, patience and pacing yourself permit you to discover the new way of living.
Grief is a healthy and healing process. It helps one feel, honor and release pain that comes from loss. While honoring the loss, be cautious not to lose more than what’s already been lost. If grief holds you hostage, you don't want to metaphorically be buried alive. Loss is a certainty of life. Control and build your intellect. Manage your emotions to control yourself. Allow space for natural resilience to shine through. Be willing to adapt. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist if you are overwhelmed or overcome. Experience the process, as I am now, to find relief from grief.
-CP